Are Black Women Angry at all Black Men…or just a Select Few?
By Ronald Yates
I have had many conversations with sisters who say either “I have every right to be angry,” or “We’re not angry we are just portrayed that way.” For some sisters that may be the case. But, in reality, there are a great number of angry or highly disgruntled women. In many respects, I can’t blame them. I’m well aware of the damage my brothers have caused and not all of it is physical. Bruises can heal, over time, but it is the emotional wounds that don’t go away so easily. The problem for many of the so-called good guys” is the residual pain, anguish from the man before… that guy that ruined a good woman for every man that will come after him.
While I will wholeheartedly agree that the media fosters the “angry, loud, brooding Black Woman,” there are sisters out there who fit the mold. They are the ones who have been repeatedly hurt or found that one deeply damaged brother who took his hurt and frustrations out on her. For women like her who found themselves with a frog that despite the number of kisses never became a Prince, what happens is they become distrustful. And since it is nearly impossible to tell who is a “Hero” and who is the “Zero” women elect not to trust anyone who exhibits high levels of testosterone. I can’t say that I blame them, in light of the circumstances; but that creates a problem for those decent guys whose intentions are to make her happy and show that there are still good men out there.
Some ladies have become so jaded they doubt the existence of “good men.” These are the women who have never encountered a man that knew how to love and care for a woman. It is like Oprah’s line in The Color Purple, when she said “A girl child ain’t safe. She has to fight all her life.” Some of the men she had to fight off were family members, neighbors on occasion it may even be her father. I’m not sure how to come back from that, as a man I will never truly understand the depth of emotional pain one feels when those that are supposed to truly love you sexually abuse you. For many Black families, we never talked about things like physical abuse and sexual was and still is a taboo topic. We have been conditioned to remain silent on dysfunctional issues, that includes mental illness, and just pretend as if it didn’t happen or doesn’t exist and will not seek out psychological assistance. Few people want to admit that there are serious familial issues. But the truth is we all have issues, some more severe than others; and although we often don’t want to admit it or talk about it, we all have some scars.
For Black people, if there is one thing we’ve come to love is religion, the Bible commands that we “Be fruitful and multiply” but how can we do that when there is so much distrust and acrimony between us. As a blogger I’m quite frequently on social media and see so many comments from women who are not just angry, they are deeply emotionally scarred, to the point that I’m not sure if they can ever have a relationship built on trust. For some, desire may lead them to have physical contact, but no man will ever again touch that place in her soul where she lets herself go and give a man her all. Some will say “You never give your all to a man.” But how can a relationship last when neither party is willing to totally commit. Everybody wants to hold back as if keeping the best of themselves in reserve, but for what, for who?
For my sisters who feel as if a man has literally destroyed them, firstly I must say how deeply sorry I am and how important I think it is to heal. Healing begins with other sisters who have similar experiences, opening up and speaking their truth, and, once and for all, releasing those feelings and emotions they’ve never shared with anyone. Once you go into those wounded places the healing can begin, but it is a process that once started, it is ill-advised to stop. Yes, emotional healing is an excruciating process, but a necessary one. As the pain becomes less, finding love again or for the first time, becomes possible. For those of us who have high testosterone levels, we too need to heal, perhaps more so because society tells us to ignore the pain, that we should never show weakness or vulnerability. So in answer to my initial question, I would imagine those angry sisters have some degree of animosity with all of us. It is a defensive response that tells them not to trust. Their belief is “Every man sounds good at first, but eventually, the real them shows up and the pain and frustration begins all over again.”
So, my question to you ladies is “What can we do, how do we regain your trust, your respect, most importantly your love?