Should You Tell the Truth About the Absent Parent?
By Ronald Yates
Most people will feel you should not speak against the absentee parent because at some point the children will make an assessment of their missing parent and form their own unbiased conclusion. While it may not be appropriate to speak ill of the absentee parent, be the dad or mom, is it also inappropriate, to tell the truth? Children are curious by nature and will have a slew of questions. One of those questions will inevitably be about the parent who is not there. Where are they, where did they go and why? For the custodial parent, the question creates an ethical dilemma. Do you tell the truth, or do you create excuses for the missing parent? Making excuses is tantamount to lying and, in the long run, the children will feel abandoned by one parent and lied to by the other. The simple answer, it would seem, would be, to tell the truth, but that can be difficult.
For many people it is extremely hard to tell the absolute truth without malice, hurt, and putting aside their anger and resentment. Typically, when you tell the truth it is your truth or your version of the events as you perceive them to be. But is it an accurate account of what happened? As the sole parent, do we want the children to know that we played a part in the demise of the relationship, or do we place all of the blame on the missing parent? Those among us, who are able to separate our personal feelings and tell the truth without being guided by anger or malice, should, by all means, tell the children the truth. It may be painful, there may be some anger and some degree of resentment, but children do have a right to know. They should know both sides of the equation, moms as well as dads. While a child(ren) may have little to no contact with the absentee parent, they still carry the DNA. They should be made aware of some of the character traits of the missing parent as it will eventually become part of their genetic makeup that will shape a part of their personality.
Generally, it is the woman who will be left with the responsibility of child-rearing. So, it is usually women who will ultimately have to make the decision to tell, or not to tell the truth. However, for some women, there is the shame associated with choosing the wrong man to be a lover and eventually a father. There had to have been signs early on that he lacked the maturity to be a father or that he had no desire to be in a committed relationship, but he said the rights things, or the sex was that good. For men, the adjustment to the single parenthood lifestyle is much more difficult. In our society we expect the man to be the absentee parent; but when it is the woman the emotional damage runs deep. For many men, who find themselves raising children alone, it is a blow to their pride, as well as their ever-present male ego. It is difficult to begin to understand what would cause a woman to leave a good man, but was his idea of being a “good man” the same as hers? Sometimes an overinflated ego can lead some men to think that despite their shortcomings they are still “good men,” that they are entitled to the best a woman has to offer. For many men, the conversation with the child/children will be one that has a great deal of their personal emotion and heartache intertwined with their telling of what happened. Sometimes what caused the other parent to leave was meeting and falling in love with someone else; other times it is a downward spiral of self-destructive behaviors ie. drugs, or alcohol. In the case of an addiction, it is probably better they hear from their custodial parent than in the streets. The street version will not be put so delicately. People say that truth hurts… and at times it does; but nonetheless, it is the truth, and it needs to be told good, bad, or indifferent.
Ultimately, the obligation is to the children and not the absentee parent. They made the conscious decision to leave for whatever reason. Should they have a say in what is said about them? If what is said is the truth and not just the other parent’s truth, then the absentee parent has no say at all. They gave up that right when they left.
