Sex and the Married Man
By Ronald Yates
Sex is typically a vital aspect of any healthy relationship, but for a lot of men it seems that right after the honeymoon the frequency and levels of passion drop off significantly. Having been exposed to years of listening to men gripe about their sex lives it seems as if many men are greatly dissatisfied with at least that aspect of their marital relationship. For many men it is referred to as “Getting lucky”… those rare times when she says “Yes.” Now I know ladies this message may seem one-sided and in many respects it is. Men talk while in the locker room, or while chillin’ with the fellas and, more often than not, the subject of sex will come up. Unfortunately, men and women do not discuss the subject often enough to truly understand each other’s thinking, differences and needs. With that said ladies just keep in mind that this is from a man’s perspective; so for the moment just put aside your “feelings” and absorb the information.
There are many reasons for the loss of sexual intimacy and one of the biggest is children. We love them, but they can wreak havoc on your sex life. How many times have you put the baby down for the night, slipped into bed and just as the fun begins you hear that oh so familiar cry. They can’t be hungry. The little tike just ate before being put to bed. Maybe they just need a diaper change, and we can get back to action. Somehow children know. I used to think they lay in mom or dad’s arms laughing to themselves “None for you buddy.” Another big reason is the level of stress that we operate under daily. For women it seems as if it is difficult to focus on pleasure when there is so much going on. For men our response to stress is just the opposite. For us sex is just the remedy we need to take our minds off the daily grind. I have had women tell me it is hard to feel sexy or “get in the mood,” when arriving home and finding dishes in the sink… or the house isn’t clean. For us men those are minor issues that we feel can be addressed in the morning, but what it amounts to is a sexless night.
For us men there is the belief that, for some ladies, once the wedding vows have been recited something is triggered in the brain that says “I’s married now, so I don’t have to perform anymore.” Is that the case? Not necessarily. But, again, this is from the viewpoint of a man. Now, of course, there are a number of women who may feel exactly the same, that they are deprived of intimacy as well, that their spouse, or significant other no longer notices them. I know some women who have been willing to try almost anything (e.g., sexy lingerie, role play, even therapy), but nothing seems to work. In all fairness, men have sexual issues, just as our female counterparts; but unlike women we are extremely hesitant to admit it and will rarely seek help. Instead, we avoid the subject. So when it appears that intimacy is on the horizon, we change the subject. Sometimes we even resort to starting an argument rather than admitting we have an issue. Another issue is the aging process. At certain stages, in our development, things begin to slow down, including decreasing amount of sexual experiences. For some men drugs like Viagra have given them a new lease on life, more specifically “Sex Life.” For those men who suffered with sexual dysfunction to finally get an erection, to have his spouse say “Not tonight, or I’m tired can be extremely frustrating. When you consider the effects of Viagra can last for more than an hour… it can be a very long night.
There are studies that suggest women over forty are reaching their sexual peak, typically they no longer have concerns about pregnancy. At this point the children are generally older and can fend for themselves, so there is plenty of time for Poppa. Well, that may not be on Poppa’s schedule; at that point he may have grown tired of waiting. The good thing is sex, like a fireplace, can be re-ignited. All that is required is the right kindling, a source of fire and before you know it you have a raging fire. Sometimes all it takes is the willingness of both partners and, of course, lots of communication, which is another story that we simply don’t have time for today. Today’s message is about the thinking of some men on the topic of sex and intimacy, which are two separate things. Often, it takes time and experience to realize that. Sometimes we think we need sex when what we really need is a gentle touch or to be held. I will admit guys have a hard time distinguishing between the need for sex and the need for intimacy.
Hopefully ladies this insightful moment will provide you with a little enlightenment on what your man may be thinking. And if nothing else, it could lead to a conversation… and if he’s lucky, well you know. Need I say more!