Things Your Man Isn’t Telling You and Why
By Ronald Yates
Typically, no one knows a man better than the woman he loves more than any other. In his early life, that role is usually filled by his mother, but once he is ready to strike out on his own, there is one woman amongst the dozens he will date that will be “The One.” She will be the one who will fill his dreams, the one person on Earth that can make the world make sense, despite all of the madness. When a man looks a woman in her eyes and says “I love you,” you can feel the depth of his emotion. From that moment on, he is totally committed to that woman. I know there are some women who feel that no man is totally committed, that while he may say he is deeply in love, there is something in the nature of a man that will lead him to cheat.
One of the issues men constantly have to deal with is the residual negatives of “Mr. Wrong”… the guy from the past that deeply wounded a woman who has become extremely guarded. For that one “good man” that comes along, he becomes the rof all of the inheritor of all the pain, anguish, and disappointment from the guy who is now on to his next conquest. He may be gone but the damage is left behind for the next man to deal with. For men and when I say men, I’m referring to only those who fall into the “good man” category. We despise the no-good, lazy shiftless dudes, who make it so difficult for the rest of us. They are the ones who are the focus of media attention… the ones we have to constantly push back against the negative stereotyping of Black men, the irresponsible fathers with multiple children by multiple women. The men who refuse to work, who pose an immediate threat just by our very presence. We don’t talk about it very often, but nonetheless, it does concern us, particularly when a male child is born. He will face the same challenges when he grows up and becomes a man.
I have, on more than one occasion, had a woman tell me that she honestly believes that men are incapable of feeling, in other words, we lack emotions. While it seems absurd, apparently there are some ladies who may share this belief. The truth is men tend to be more sensitive than women. The reason some women may think we lack emotion is because we are socialized not to show emotion because in men it is perceived to be a sign of weakness. Little boys are told not to cry, so how can you express your pain? The answer is we bury our emotions so deep within us that they appear to be absent. Consequently, the only emotion people become most familiar with is anger. If you think of it in terms of a glass of water, if you continue to pour water into the glass, the glass will eventually overflow. That is the daily life for many men. We try to bury, the stress, the fear, the anxiety, we have to be strong no matter what.
Throughout the pandemic men had to pretend that they were not afraid, we had to be the ones to encourage our wives and children that everything will be okay. Secretly we held those very same fears, but could not tell our women for fear that they would lose some degree of respect for us if we showed weakness? Just as women have trust issues, so do men. We have a past as well. There are times when we were hurt, but we did not have the luxury of crying or calling our “Homeboys” to discuss how deeply we have been hurt. The “Homies” would just say “F that B;” but that isn’t always possible. Sometimes when you were alone you would shed a tear, at other times a song would come on the radio that would trigger strong emotions; but no one could know it, not even your woman.
I know so many men, some friends and family members who simply refused to go see a doctor, and when they are forced to refuse to share the diagnosis with their wives, or girlfriends, but why? Some men think of illness as a weakness, that if I can’t get out there and hustle to put bread on the table, what good am I, will she still love me? I know most women will say, of course, many would take that man in their arms, say “Baby it’s okay,” but if at some point a woman left him at a vulnerable time in his life, he will never allow himself to be vulnerable ever again. Men don’t always talk about those little aches and pains, even when we get progressively worse. Oftentimes we see images splashed across the screen showing the decline of America, there are times when we will say something, but if it is not in line with the current level of political correctness, no one wants to hear it. We are expected to change with times and still be a “Man’s Man,” but how? I’m sorry ladies but a Man’s Man” is not going to slip into a pair of skinny jeans or wear the super tight suits that the younger generation are so enamored with and consider himself a man. We are not the easiest to adjust to the new styles or the new social and political paradigm… we are our dads. Those of us that were fortunate enough to live in a home with a man saw a man and learned how to be a man.
Ladies I would advise that you talk to your man, let him know that home is his safe place where he can be vulnerable, where he can laugh, shout, yell, and on occasion cry. Too many men went to their mother or father’s funeral but was too afraid to be seen weeping. So, ladies, allow him to open up. I think you will find there are some things you didn’t know about him. But once he feels comfortable sharing his innermost feelings with you, the two of you will share a much more powerful, positive, and amazing relationship that is loving and lasting.