STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU ARE DATING A NARCISSIST! Part 1
Doris AC Johnson MA of Psy, ABA
You met HIM. You finally met HIM! Mr. Right! the perfect guy! And you are exploding with this great news of a hopeful husband. He says all the right things. He has pointed out key personality distinctions and flaws and assures you that you are safe to fall because he will catch you…but you never anticipated that he would push you instead. “You are remarkable. And if nobody has pointed out that you are beautiful today, let me be the first to say.” The Initial conversation is EVERYTHING. And you want more. He has presented himself as being responsible, successful, conscious of his role as a man, and intentional. You are smitten with this attractive package with all the amenities in place. It sounds too good to be true because in most cases…IT IS.
Let’s go back…
Be careful with social media. In this era, social media is the birthplace of many meetings and relationships. And there is an abundance of benefits offered. On the other hand, it is a place where many great women fall off an emotional cliff. Watch yourself because an emotional predator could be circumcising your page with a fine-toothed comb right now…right this moment… lying in wait for you to take notice of him. He is gathering notes and information about you and compiling them into a box that represents all the components of what he thinks he has found…who he believes you are…who he hopes you are. He deems you as vulnerable, or needy, or angry, or lonely…someone he can conquer easily…and now you are labeled…and undoubtedly his next project or victim. He is on the hunt and you are his prey. All of this is based on the content of your post…the type of music you share, the groups you belong to, your career choice, and of course, the way you look.
Before I go in deeper, please know that what is happening here is not connected to my table for two theories, but it is very much so a form of bait and switch. You are eagerly expecting all the things he said he would do and everything he said he would bring to the table. You are bombarded and overwhelmed with making sure you are a fit to his lifestyle. Before you get the emotional room to stop and think that you no longer want a man that’s bringing something to the table…that you no longer want a man that’s bringing a table…but that you want the man to be the table. You are convinced that he wants to be with you and you only, and excited that he has complimented you and confessed his feelings and intentions
so early on. That’s different, it feels like a whirlwind, but there is nothing terrific about being suspended violently into air.
AND NOW YOU ARE HOOKED. You are hooked on all his words, and these great plans he has made for the two of you. YOU ARE SEARCHING FOR HIM UNDER EVERY ROCK AND CHAIR. In the daytime with a flashlight because you got used to the ideas that he pitched. You hunger for the promises. Sometimes we need to check ourselves. Let your eyes win the battle with your ears. In other words, go on what you see.
He was reaching for your hand, and the minute you reached back, he withdrew. You have shamed yourself into believing that you are the reason for his quietness, a diminishing connection, and for his claimed lack of attention. It’s you…you are the reason for every wrongful turn in your union or lack thereof. Stop right there! You are dating a narcissist! Tune in same day and time next week for part two when I will explain what narcissism is…what narcissism in NOT…the signs and symptoms that you are in fact dating a narcissist, and what you can do to recoup, recover, and save yourself from an emotional hell. In the meantime and between times. Do NOT call him. Do NOT text him. Do NOT accept his calls. Bye for now!