THANK YOU, DUMB DUMB
By Doris AC Johnson MA of Psy, ABA
This last week was so emotional. I was up. I was down. I was in. I was out. And food truly became my friend. On many nights, I lied in bed eating junk food and listening to “Cry” by Yahzarah. I came to the realization although it was not a revelation, that even the guru needs a guru. I have suffered a few heartbreaks as we all have, but this week was a little different. I was triggered by some of the things that were in the rearview mirror of my life.
People hear the word “triggered” and immediately assume that it is a scorned woman on a warpath. This is not the case. We all have triggers. For instance, you might dream about an ex-lover or a deceased loved one (which is natural). The thing is that it could have been born from the scent, a song, a food that reminded you of them. The brain recorded that during the day, and at night, it plays out in your dream. But back to the point. A past suitor has been in touch. The basis of relationship was me woo woo wooing him, running to him, and trying to nurse him back to health. It did not take too long for me to walk away. When I walked down that long, dark corridor…I never looked back. I did not expect him to reach back (especially after 2 years), but they always do even if for nothing other than see if you a still stuck on stupid. At any rate, I do not blame him for his maltreatment. In a sense, I thank him. I had become someone that I was not. When he reached out to me, he asked if we could talk and If he could see me again. Very graciously I said, “Honestly, I was not at all myself back then. I was going through something and you were there. I am different. I am me again, so in a sense, WE have never met.” And then I wish him well. While he is not the blame for what is left of me, he is the reason for what I expect of me (and I am grateful). I have decided that I will not melt into the background without addressing how I feel. I will not be pushed towards a path and expected to go there without my choosing. I will not tolerate inconsistency. I am big on being self-aware and taking responsibility for my own actions. I will not read a script, rehearse the lines, and act them out for approval. I will not be muted.
Some things are easier said than done, but this was easier done than said. Today, I feel great. You put me in a box, but I am moving on. I choose not to live there anymore.
The closure on my wig is not the only closure I need. Be clear! You just happened because you happened to be there. I am really glad you reached out dumb, dumb. Call me on it but it matters not. I said what I said.