LOST IN LOSS (and living in a box)
By Doris AC Johnson, MA of Psy
I found an old journal a few days ago that was obviously hidden because it was far away from all of my other writings…and with good reason. The content was emotionally heavy because I realize now that people will not stop living because of my pain and lack of understanding for what I was experiencing or even for who I was. There have been times when a black cloud followed me, and no one came through with a spiritual umbrella to cover me. There have been times when I was hanging on by a spiritual thread internally begging for a spiritual seamstress to mend my broken heart.
I, as with many of you have suffered from lopsided relationship syndrome because of the imbalance in our homes, insecurities birthed from triggers, and the concern that we are overly emotional because we have invested ourselves without a mutual return on as little as one occasion. That’s all it would take to turn a whirlwind into an avalanche. The likelihood of survivorship is all based on your perception which in most cases needs to be modified if you want a healthy outcome.
People who we love may not love us because they can NOT. When we were born, we were welcomed by caring doctors and nurses who then handed us off to our parents…and so the bonding began. We looked to them for love and nurturing. The bonding of expectations and the way of the world helped shape our views and idealisms. And it was all lollipops and gumdrops until reality set in and the pain of disappointment would plague our lives until we learned that people are just people. My mother always told me that when I suffered from distorted views resulting from me building people and situations up to more than they were, or in some cases, more than they deserved. When I began to notice that people did not live as I lived or did things that I wasn’t doing was often a let down for me. I wouldn’t say that I was being judgmental at that time…perhaps I was trying to operate outside of the realm of allowing people to be people. I read a lot as a child and the books I read confirmed my desire to seeing things pretty as a picture, undying love, and happily ever afters. Unfortunately, this way of thinking followed me well into my adulthood. I thought all types of love was reciprocal. If you love me then I love you. If I love you then you love me….and Barney wasn’t even on PBS when I was a child. Sadly, this attitude lead me to love on top of a love that didn’t always exist. After finding heartache and disappointment in many friendships and relationships, and even expectations of public figures, I took a step back.
Sharing only half of myself so I would only halfway be judged was a consequence of the boxes I put people in which in turn sentenced me to living in a similar box. I got lost in loss which ate at my skin like leaches and left lesions that sprung forth lessons that I had to learn to heal from. No one could lead me other than the Great Divine. I found freedom as soon as I realized that people give what they got. Rejection isn’t part of the plan necessarily. The disconnect comes when you don’t leave space for human error. If you don’t receive what it is that you seek, it’s not that you don’t deserve it. You are being rejected. You could very well be protected from someone who has given you all they have, or all they are willing to share because their basket isn’t as full as yours. Their souls are already tied like shoelaces, and spirits twisted like pretzels and that cup of joy that you have been saving will only be depleted as soon as you offer them a straw. Don’t blink or think because you heard what you heard just as I said what I said.
This I hope was NourishMeant for supper. The wronged is not always wrong. The unloved is loveable. The unrealistic needs to get real. Your journey is your journey to have…just don’t forget to follow that path without following in your own footprints.