Hard to Love

Doris AC Johnson MA of Psy, ABA

People who love too hard usually love so intensely because they have been made to believe that they are hard to love or difficult to place. Thus and such, I am going to love you so right that you will have no choice but to surrender all to me. I am going in full throttle! I have not evaluated the situation, or even allowed myself a fair amount of time to find out if I am still dating your representative, or if you are in fact who you claim to be. You will forget your past demons, shortcomings, and previously failed relationships, and allow me to love you enough for the both of us. And if I see you not conforming or accepting, I am going to force-feed you by way of an emotional ambush of lollipops, rainbows, unicorns, and gumdrops.

Ironically, the entire time that I am trying to get you to bury your past, I will be masking my pain with over-compensation. Do not fall in love with me because I am not being true to myself and I will eventually resent you for using me when I placed myself in the position to be your emotional whore.

I know this sounds harsh, but this does not mean I am a bad person. It means that I’m looking for someone to save me from myself, and I will ignore my emptiness to fill you up because I’m a real piece of work (so I’ve been made to believe) and the last thing I want to do is scare someone away with my luggage rack AGAIN.

Why am I emotionally disheveled? Because I have been short changed. I do not know what reciprocity feels like. I have great intentions but I’m damaged because I placed my one whole healthy heart in the hands of someone who treated me like collateral damage and I didn’t take the time to regroup, reassess, and repair myself. Skipping those steps led me back to loving like a hamster on a treadmill. I think I am chasing you, but I am just running the same tiring obstacle course over and over again getting nowhere. Maybe I am not hard to love. I just love too hard.

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