BANDAGES OVER A BULLET HOLE
By Doris AC Johnson MA of Psy
So many relationships are in chaos and turmoil because we do not fight fair. Some do that because we may have grown up in a home filled with great parental discord. Others of us do it because we have not learned to control our emotions. People with passive-aggressive personalities are infamous for that. They allow how they feel to be bottled up on the inside and then it comes out in an explosion. The end results are not pretty, and the situation has not been resolved. Let me explain.
Arguments are not arguments until the discussion or disagreement has to be trampled on top of by using words as weapons. For some others, there is no restraint and a lack of self-control. Issues need to be addressed when it presents itself. It is perfectly okay to sleep on it so cooler heads will prevail. Rationality usually sets in at this point. Tackling the problem when both parties are angry will insight an emotional riot and words are used as weapons. The more you go on, the heavier artillery is brought out and then words are thrown like boomerangs…and the challenge mentality takes over. No one wins the war or if one person just sends the boomerang back. These words can cut like knives. If you do not find resolve or a happy medium, then someone is walking on eggs shell, or you have chosen to put a bandage over a bullet hole. There is no closure.
Allow me to be transparent with you for a minute. Thirty years later, previous arguments have become a healthy discussion. We fought fair. I heard him without interruption with my opposing views, and he heard me. We were so busy speaking over one another that no one heard anything thirty years ago. In our conversation, we realized that our communication was not effective. There were so many things that he did not know about my thoughts and feelings. I learned new things about the feelings he did not know how to express. Throughout our relationship, our emotional rug always had a big lump under it because so many things were swept there. We finally found closure, the hole was sealed, and the bandage came off. We did not realize that you cannot unsay or unheard words. Failure to discuss and continue trample on the rug wearing plastic smiles, mumbled hello, and empty conversations also acted as a bandage over a bullet hole. Feelings buried alive do not die. That was our happy ending.